“The sun stopped shining for me is all. The whole story is: I am sad. I am sad all the time and the sadness is so heavy that I can’t get away from it. Not ever.” ― Nina LaCour, Hold Still
I try to sleep but it won’t come. I lie alone, trying to think of reasons to keep trying. I come up empty.
If Einstein was right then I know I am not insane. I go through the same process, repeatedly, trying to find a way out of this emotional tarpit. I come to the same conclusions each time; at least I don’t expect different outcomes. Wish I could, it all looks pretty bleak lately.
I am slowly coming to accept that I will probably never work again, not in any significant way. My only outlet now is the music, the same music that, through no fault of it’s own, has left me a broken man. I write, I record, nobody buys. There is no relief as, if no ears are there to share the music, to make the connection between my heart and theirs, then it has no meaning.
While life has been hard I have always, in the past, been able to imagine that there was some joy yet to come. Can’t do it anymore. I’m just a placeholder where a human being should be…