I don’t need to recount everything, suffice it to say that living with mental illness with no hope of medical care is taking it’s toll. With no family or friends, a disorder that makes me push people away, not even a loving little dog to support me, I am getting worse.
I can’t sleep. I nod off for one or two hours during the night, only to wake to panic attacks. I can’t eat. If I can force myself to prepare something, I don’t want to eat it when its cooked…nothing has any taste.
I was a musician. Now I hate music. I am physically unable to play for long periods. When I do perform I have anxiety attacks before the gig, physical pain and depression for days afterwards and an increased feeling of worthlessness when my ‘fans’ do nothing but complain about the time, place and material for the gig.
I hate people, and I hate myself worst of all. If I make to my son’s wedding in the spring it will be a miracle.
Yes, this is definitely the twilight of my life, and not a good time, but my life has been unmitigated pain and suffering anyway. Oblivion calls…