…don’t know what to say….

Tonight I can barely type…I’m having a panic attack that’s so bad, I can hardly find the words to describe it. My hands shake, my whole body tenses…I tremble like a leaf.

It’s difficult to describe these feelings to those that haven’t experienced them firsthand. At times, I wish I could record my actions, just to illustrate how debilitating this disorder can be.

At best, it carries all of the symptoms of depression and anxiety. It also mimics PTSD, although it has a very different root (the link above will explain). The World Health Organization defines it here.

Unfortunately, for those of us who suffer from this disorder in North America, our psychiatrists won’t recognize this disorder. Therefore, it is almost impossible to find treatment.

You can see just how frighteningly debilitating this is at

Critical point…

I start with a new therapist this week. She claims to treat trauma related diseases. I understand from her website that her main therapeutic approaches are ACT therapy and EMDR. I am hoping this will help me get past these symptoms of C-PTSD.

Of course, money is always a problem. I tried selling digital copies of my latest CD, in order to get the money to press CDs, play shows that would cause me great pain, all to carry my own water on the price of therapy. No dice.

Maybe I’ll have to try the GoFundMe route…I have to do something. I spend most of my days fighting bad thoughts (fellow sufferers, you know what I mean 😦 )

Check in again when I am able…

…another weekend…

Not in this world this weekend. Let me explain.

When anxiety levels get high, some of us dissociate. That’s me, all over. The longer I have multiple serious stressors in my life, the more frequent and severe the dissociation becomes. It isn’t getting any better.

Yesterday I had my intake appointment at the ‘last chance’ free therapy clinic. The director was very nice, welcoming and not at all intimidating. All very nice, but they are staffed social work interns, not psychology students. There’s no CBT, no DBT, no EMDR, none of the psychotherapeutic tools used to treat C-PTSD.

I came out of the intake meeting resolving to try, but despondent about never being told about this free clinic after ten years of searching for resources and that this well-meaning but ultimately, I suspect, ineffectual group. Blindly ran the errands that were necessary (don’t like to be out of my flat). Since then been managing to takes my meds and my insulin but all as if someone else were doing it and I was watching.

Not being able to talk to anyone makes it ten times worse…


…I’m sinking…

It’s been weeks since I’ve had any relief now. Every day is worse than the one before. I’ve seen two psychiatrists; both ignored everything I said and diagnosed me from preconceptions.

I am certain that the few friends I had left just can’t stand it anymore. My family abandoned me long ago. I was trying to last until spring, to see my son marry. I won’t make it.

When you wake every day feeling more worthless than the day before, when every effort you make fails or, worse yet, is derailed by the professionals who are being paid from the public coffers to misdiagnose, over-medicate, etc., it is impossible to break the cycle.

The anxiety levels are so high and unrelenting I am having regular attacks that I believe are psychogenic seizures, but neither my GP nor the psychiatrists will even discuss them. Likewise, they refuse to consider the repeated cycles of emotional abuse I have been subjected to. I am simply being ignored.

I have been through the ER three times. In each case my situation was downplayed, I was left in a locked room for 9 to 14 hours and I was sent home with no diagnosis, no referral and no follow-up.

Tonight, yesterday and for several days previous, I have been unable to leave my flat. I can’t cook or eat. My sleep is either non-existent or I sleep all day to avoid the emotional pain. Unfortunately I nearly always wake from a horrible dream, a replay of one of my ex-wife’s more denigrating verbal/emotional attacks.

I have begun to ideate suicide again. I have the whole plan mapped. I fear some night the pull will be too great and I will follow through. The more distant my former friends and family become, the more the risk of me taking the final step. The feelings of those left behind make less difference every day. I just want this to end…

If any of you have had stress induced seizures, please comment and tell me about it. If I thought there was some hope of recovering I might be able to submerge my urges. Otherwise it is probably just a matter of time…

…the twilight of my life…

I don’t need to recount everything, suffice it to say that living with mental illness with no hope of medical care is taking it’s toll. With no family or friends, a disorder that makes me push people away, not even a loving little dog to support me, I am getting worse.

I can’t sleep. I nod off for one or two hours during the night, only to wake to panic attacks. I can’t eat. If I can force myself to prepare something, I don’t want to eat it when its cooked…nothing has any taste.

I was a musician. Now I hate music. I am physically unable to play for long periods. When I do perform I have anxiety attacks before the gig, physical pain and depression for days afterwards and an increased feeling of worthlessness when my ‘fans’ do nothing but complain about the time, place and material for the gig.

I hate people, and I hate myself worst of all. If I make to my son’s wedding in the spring it will be a miracle.

Yes, this is definitely the twilight of my life, and not a good time, but my life has been unmitigated pain and suffering anyway. Oblivion calls…