…why do I have to lose everything?…

Been a while…things’ve never been so bad. I’m barely holding on and became aware of that fact for the most ironic of reasons…

A good friend came to visit me last week. When she arrived I considered feigning physical illness and refraining from seeing her. That’s how much I avoid people.

I am now back ‘home’. I use the term loosely as it is not home anymore. In fact I have no home, no friends, no hope…

Just planning my exit now…

This week, the final straw…

Having explained to two psychiatrists, in detail, about the trauma I’ve suffered, about ideating suicide, about spending multiple days in tears, I have been cast off like so much garbage.

The horrors that I go through every day, paralyzingly fear, flashbacks, seizures, the absolute belief that I am worth nothing were all ignored. The ‘psychiatric resident’ diagnosed me as ‘dysthimic’. The private psych tells me “don’t be so gloomy”. They’ve won. I can’t fight anymore.

Our plight in Canada will not be solved from within. When it comes to the mentally ill in Canada, we might as well be governed by Stalin. Neither the Federal government nor the government of Nova Scotia can defend their mental health fail where the mentally ill are concerned.

When your family ignores you, your friends all avoid you, the doctors all fail you, you can’t work, you can’t even leave your house, you’re not ‘dysthimic’, being told “you’re too gloomy” just makes you worse. Thanks to the Nova Scotia Health Authority, I have lost what little hope I had left. Like many others here, the only reason we’re alive is because of our loved ones, even when they don’t care about you, and that is simply a crime…

…now I know…

Went dutifully to my appointment with a ‘mental health nurse’ and a psychiatric resident at one of the local Community Health Centres. I got a few sheets of paper and another partial diagnosis, this one downgrading me to ‘dysthymia’, on the basis of the last two years of four decades of torture. No follow-up, no review of my meds, nothing. Just more advice on ‘fixing myself’. No wonder the suicide rate in Nova Scotia has doubled…