…why do I have to lose everything?…

Been a while…things’ve never been so bad. I’m barely holding on and became aware of that fact for the most ironic of reasons…

A good friend came to visit me last week. When she arrived I considered feigning physical illness and refraining from seeing her. That’s how much I avoid people.

I am now back ‘home’. I use the term loosely as it is not home anymore. In fact I have no home, no friends, no hope…

Just planning my exit now…

…why?…

What is a life? Is it a thing that exists outside of us or is it a part of us, just waiting to be tapped?

My life has been a series of a few perfect moments, joined together by pain, indecision, fatigue and disappointment. Perhaps most lives are like that…

Now, I am simply tired. No one calls, no one needs me. There is no joy in this miserable existence. Again, I look forward to the oblivion of death.

…don’t know what to say….

Tonight I can barely type…I’m having a panic attack that’s so bad, I can hardly find the words to describe it. My hands shake, my whole body tenses…I tremble like a leaf.

It’s difficult to describe these feelings to those that haven’t experienced them firsthand. At times, I wish I could record my actions, just to illustrate how debilitating this disorder can be.

At best, it carries all of the symptoms of depression and anxiety. It also mimics PTSD, although it has a very different root (the link above will explain). The World Health Organization defines it here.

Unfortunately, for those of us who suffer from this disorder in North America, our psychiatrists won’t recognize this disorder. Therefore, it is almost impossible to find treatment.

You can see just how frighteningly debilitating this is at bit.ly/2uY9bXC.

…I’m sinking…

It’s been weeks since I’ve had any relief now. Every day is worse than the one before. I’ve seen two psychiatrists; both ignored everything I said and diagnosed me from preconceptions.

I am certain that the few friends I had left just can’t stand it anymore. My family abandoned me long ago. I was trying to last until spring, to see my son marry. I won’t make it.

When you wake every day feeling more worthless than the day before, when every effort you make fails or, worse yet, is derailed by the professionals who are being paid from the public coffers to misdiagnose, over-medicate, etc., it is impossible to break the cycle.

The anxiety levels are so high and unrelenting I am having regular attacks that I believe are psychogenic seizures, but neither my GP nor the psychiatrists will even discuss them. Likewise, they refuse to consider the repeated cycles of emotional abuse I have been subjected to. I am simply being ignored.

I have been through the ER three times. In each case my situation was downplayed, I was left in a locked room for 9 to 14 hours and I was sent home with no diagnosis, no referral and no follow-up.

Tonight, yesterday and for several days previous, I have been unable to leave my flat. I can’t cook or eat. My sleep is either non-existent or I sleep all day to avoid the emotional pain. Unfortunately I nearly always wake from a horrible dream, a replay of one of my ex-wife’s more denigrating verbal/emotional attacks.

I have begun to ideate suicide again. I have the whole plan mapped. I fear some night the pull will be too great and I will follow through. The more distant my former friends and family become, the more the risk of me taking the final step. The feelings of those left behind make less difference every day. I just want this to end…

If any of you have had stress induced seizures, please comment and tell me about it. If I thought there was some hope of recovering I might be able to submerge my urges. Otherwise it is probably just a matter of time…