It’s been weeks since I’ve had any relief now. Every day is worse than the one before. I’ve seen two psychiatrists; both ignored everything I said and diagnosed me from preconceptions.
I am certain that the few friends I had left just can’t stand it anymore. My family abandoned me long ago. I was trying to last until spring, to see my son marry. I won’t make it.
When you wake every day feeling more worthless than the day before, when every effort you make fails or, worse yet, is derailed by the professionals who are being paid from the public coffers to misdiagnose, over-medicate, etc., it is impossible to break the cycle.
The anxiety levels are so high and unrelenting I am having regular attacks that I believe are psychogenic seizures, but neither my GP nor the psychiatrists will even discuss them. Likewise, they refuse to consider the repeated cycles of emotional abuse I have been subjected to. I am simply being ignored.
I have been through the ER three times. In each case my situation was downplayed, I was left in a locked room for 9 to 14 hours and I was sent home with no diagnosis, no referral and no follow-up.
Tonight, yesterday and for several days previous, I have been unable to leave my flat. I can’t cook or eat. My sleep is either non-existent or I sleep all day to avoid the emotional pain. Unfortunately I nearly always wake from a horrible dream, a replay of one of my ex-wife’s more denigrating verbal/emotional attacks.
I have begun to ideate suicide again. I have the whole plan mapped. I fear some night the pull will be too great and I will follow through. The more distant my former friends and family become, the more the risk of me taking the final step. The feelings of those left behind make less difference every day. I just want this to end…
If any of you have had stress induced seizures, please comment and tell me about it. If I thought there was some hope of recovering I might be able to submerge my urges. Otherwise it is probably just a matter of time…